Background
In a society that seems to be obsessed by vampires and stories about vampires, it becomes increasingly important to separate the myth from the... well - to make clear to the reader what they should and shouldn't trust in vampire lore.
Their strengths
Yes, vampires have a few key things over humanity, and these need to be spelt out to save the reader from relying upon apocryphal stories and anecdote when facing their own death (or worse) at the teeth of a vampire. Listed below are all of those vampiric advantages you may have heard of, as well as details about whether they can be reliably believed.
- Superhuman strength. You've heard it said that vampires possess superhuman strength. Stephen King, one of modern documenters of vampiric habit, made clear in his tale of 'Salem's Lot[1] that vampires are incredibly strong. This has been supported by other writers on the subject, including Anne Rice on the occasion that she interviewed a vampire[2]. Do not attempt to resist a vampire by strength alone, you will fail.
- Cunning and intelligence. In many ways the intelligence of vampires has been overstated. While King made clear that his vampire had learned cunning from a long lifetime of survival, Rice detailed the not-so-lucky: the vampires that were barely human and had lost much of their intelligence. Bram Stoker’s tale[3], while clearly relying on second- and third-hand accounts, leans towards a high degree of intelligence in his subject but this may be heightened by the environment in which Stoker wrote – 19th century Ireland tended towards crediting a wide range of supernatural phenomena and bestowing upon them extraordinary powers.
- Difficulty of destruction. I choose the word destruction rather than death, as vampires are already considered to be undead and thus on the “other side” of death. All reasonable accounts indicate that vampires are extremely difficult to kill. They can be discommoded, certainly. A vampire whose limbs have been removed can be considered largely ‘armless. But that vampire will remain in a kind of life until totally robbed of its essence, as documented below.
- Night vision. Again, this is a belief that is more due to allegory than fact. Vampires do not have superhuman night vision. However, they do spend their time (not their “lives”, as they are undead) in the dark and so their eyes tend to develop some acuity at night. But a vampire who has been turned from a human with poor eyesight will not magically overcome that defect.
- Abnormal patience. To be honest, I’m not sure why this belief has come into existence. Clearly some people think that with an extraordinarily long life vampires will develop patience to match. Documentary evidence makes clear that this is not the case. Were vampires patient, they would simply wait in hiding for human curiosity to wane. The events that so often bring down their destruction could be avoided entirely. Fortunately for humanity, the impatience of vampires often proves ruinous.
- A mesmeric personality. Unfortunately for humanity, it is exceedingly difficult to say no to a vampire. Those few who have done so and survived generally tell of being captivated by the vampire’s eyes, but somehow being distracted and noticing less alluring aspects of the creature of the night. Vampires are indeed hypnotically persuasive (again, Stephen King makes this clear), but if your mind is distracted from them in any way you are likely to be able to identify problems with the scene. These include seeing how large the polite gentleman/lady’s teeth are, questioning why you should feel so happy about letting a stranger into your house at 2am, or realising that you are late for an appointment. Such distractions are (fortunately) the bane of a vampire’s existence. It should also be noted that the vampiric personality is only fully effective in a one-to-one situation. Vampires attempting to charm someone with a friend appear to find the task of focussing on both exceedingly difficult, and generally fail.
Weaknesses of a vampire
As in their strengths, vampires have varying degrees of weakness. Again, I seek to make clear that not all of the weaknesses listed here are real weaknesses – as I list perceived weaknesses I will make clear which can be relied upon.
1. A lust for the virtuous maiden. Somehow there has arisen a belief that every vampire lusts for virgins, and any other blood is second rate. I think this has come from a connoisseurs’ club, which I understand was in operation early last century. My sources advise that vampires in this club pursued the least plausible of sources to gain their meal. This led them to seek virgins of both the male and female persuasion, as the most difficult to procure. There does not seem to be any evidence that the blood procured from virgins is of better quality, and I understand that the club lost members steadily in the 1970s with the rise of the “nerd” as the primary source of virgin blood.
2. An asexual (un)life. No sex please, we’re vampires is in fact true. The trouble for vampires is several-fold. Firstly, in surrendering their lives they also surrendered hormonal drives. A vampire lusts for nothing but his or her meal. Secondly, you’re never going to get a rise out of a vampire. His implement of affection just doesn’t get the blood supply upon which it would rely in such a moment. However, vampires do use sexual attraction to lure targets. The vampire does possess a mesmeric personality,
3. Weak flesh. This is something that Quentin Tarantino documented in his tale of the Mexican clique, From Dusk till Dawn[4]. In that movie, vampires were fortuitously easy to dismember, as they seemed only half-baked. Unfortunately, I think only Tarantino can tell us where he heard of this, as there appears to be no other source that documents this vampiric abnormality.
4. Religion and religious symbols. As the Church has sought to paint vampires as creatures of the devil, so it has also claimed the ability to protect against them. Unfortunately, those who rely on religious symbols for their salvation tend to lose in any struggle with a vampire. I am aware that the literature disagrees with this assessment, but the word on the street is that vampires have no special disgust for religion and its icons.
5. Garlic. Many consider garlic to be a strong protection against vampires, but again the literature is against this belief. I understand it arose in the centuries BCE (before common era), when garlic was seen as a cure-all. This belief may also have been encouraged by “garlic breath”, on the assumption that vampires, as well-dressed and mannered individuals, would not like to have the bad breath resulting from dining on someone who had ingested or was wearing garlic. While garlic does have some beneficial effects on one’s health, repelling vampires is not one of them.
6. Sunlight. This is a vampire’s biggest bugbear – they do burn very easily and very fast. I understand that vampires regularly make attempts to foil the effects of sunlight on them, but sunscreens (even with high SPF factors) have so far failed to assist. Sunlight is the only reason vampire numbers are not of plague proportions.
To destroy a vampire
Remember, you are not killing a vampire. It is already undead, all you can do to it is make sure it can no longer cause harm.
Many methods have been suggested for killing vampires, but the most common theme is the most correct. The vampire’s heart must be destroyed. Other than that, additional details are optional. A stake through the heart is fine. So is a sword, assuming it is not just a rapier. It is important to note that a hole in the heart does not constitute total destruction. So rapiers, and bullets, are out of the question. If you have the opportunity to open the vampire’s chest and remove its heart, that will suffice. Unfortunately, most methods for heart destruction tend to be at close range and it is extremely dangerous to be close to an angry vampire. (Why angry? Well, wouldn’t you be somewhat peeved if someone proposed to rip your heart out of your chest?) If you are going to attempt to kill a vampire, bring friends and preferably a chainsaw: messy but effective both in offence and defence.
The other alternative for vampire destruction is sunlight. This is the preferred method, as you may be able to expose a vampire to sunlight without exposing yourself to close-quarters combat. If all else fails, demolish the house in which a vampire resides, then remove the lid from their coffin. This is possibly the most effective means of vampire disposal.
What if it comes back?
If you have destroyed the heart or exposed the vampire to sunlight (noting that it must be fully exposed for an adequate period – you’ll know it’s enough when you have a pile of ashes) it will not come back. But it may have friends. So – be careful. And good luck.
Oh, and one last thing. Turning into bats? Utter nonsense, just a link with the habit that the vampire bat has of sucking blood.
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